I can’t sleep tonight. For the first time since the academic year began I have a Friday morning off from my class and I can’t sleep. I suppose that’s the way it goes, eh? My mind is crazy occupied. Sorting through the ins and outs of the adoption process is what I would like at the forefront of my mind. But then all this life stuff gets in the way. Work goes on. Personal life goes on. Interpersonal life goes on. When is there time to reflect on the fact that soon I will become a mother? Brian and I are undertaking something huge right now and there is no time to focus on that. How I wish focusing on parenting would pay more.
–but it doesn’t and life goes on. Without regard for the situation you are in, this thing called life marches on whether you like it or not. That is so hard when you are in this process. I am so grateful to our church body as they have dedicated an entire small group, or as we call them, mini congregations, for experienced adoptive parents and adoptive-parents-to-be. I am also grateful that I have a consistent prayer and reading life, but it never feels like enough. Perhaps that is what parenting will feel like. I will have to wait and see.
It’s the waiting that is so tough, though. And the money. And the time. For right now I am so preoccupied with the worry of how we will pull this thing off that I can barely focus on the caregiving/parenting part–which is happening potentially sooner than we know it. But these stressors do not leave us and life marches on whether I like it or not.
I keep laying things at God’s feet, but perhaps I am not doing the best job of that. If you all could pray for me and Brian, we would greatly appreciate it. This is a super humbling time right now as we will have to be asking a lot of our family and friends. Not only monetarily, but also mentally, which seems to be the biggest strain right now. The call to adopt is something that is so of God, but it, like anything else worthwhile, does not come without its stressors. There are some days, and nights like tonight, where I have no idea how He is going to pull this one off.
But we serve a faithful God. He will never leave us or forsake us, especially when we are doing His will. I will forever be humbled that at the age of 25, God is placing us on this path and trusting us with a little life that is not physically coming from us, but regardless, is our child and ultimately His. It is an immense weight on our shoulders, but it in the end will be a positive one. It is just painful in a lot of different ways at the moment and it is hard to describe. But we are feeling it and need your prayers more than anything.
For anyone else in this situation, regardless of whether you are adopting or getting ready to have a biological child, I want to encourage you not to lose heart. God clearly has a plan for you and for me; it’s hard not to be able to possess the view that He has on our lives. If only this thing called life came with a guidebook filled with antidotes for every ailment in life. But that would make life a lot less exciting and we do not worship a boring God. I’ll keep strapping on my seatbelt and going along for the ride to see what the Great Provider has in store for us next.