Why, Yes! I Do Have a Mustache.

The scene was eighth grade Spanish class. The place was a southwest suburb of Chicago. The time of day was irrelevant, but let's say it was after lunch. I sat down next to my seat mate; let's call him Kipp to maintain his privacy. Kipp, a very honest and kind eighth grade boy looked at…

This is what it’s like (for me)

It's like growing up thinking that the word "bitch" is a standard nickname for a woman, and that you only achieve what you achieve because of your nearly perfect looks. Well, if only you could do something about that ugly hair of yours. It's like being beaten physically and verbally for taking up too much…

…and then the light breaks through…

Depression swallows me whole sometimes. The dark abyss presses in—heavy, unrelenting, tethered to my body. It starts in my cheekbones and works it’s way to my toes. Tasks become impossible to conceptualize; how does laying down transform into a chore or changing from one pair of sweatpants to another? My medication and coping tools continue…

My Antonia

Antonia…Priceless…Praiseworthy…Inestimable… Our names linked together for eternity. Our lives intertwined for one third of your nine decades. Nine decades on earth. And yet your soul encompasses centuries. I made you a book of life with your grandchildren. You loved it. The book reminded me of your unyielding constancy and presence. You, a woman raised through…

Finding joy in the midst of grief.

Today is one of my abuser’s birthdays. It’s the one day of the year I genuinely dread. October 26th comes around and I fill it with as much goodness as possible to dull the pain. Today consisted of maximum energy spent on time with the kids, writing for seminary, running five miles, and doing chores.…

Grasping for Power

The truth stings when it reveals your sin. So you attack. Out of instinct. Out of fear. Insecurity. Pleasure. You don’t care if I’m your daughter, your wife, your sister, your mother, your cousin, your niece, your co-worker, your friend. You care about power. Always grasping for power. Which we take away by merely existing—or…

A longing for silence…

During this stay at home order, running continues to give me solace. Both Brian and I work full time, care for three children, and play teacher and sped professional (one of us is better at this than the other...). So, as you would imagine, we both need an outlet. On this Holy Saturday I went…

Raw

Feeling everything and nothing at the same time. Being filled and yet empty. Tired, yet alert. Believing people are good because they are made in the image of God. Trusting no one because people do horrible things. Words escape me and yet thousands stir within me. The life of a survivor is saying nothing because…

A Beautiful Tension

School drop-off. Monday thru Friday-- Tears everyday since September. Why? Because it never feels right. She is she... She is a child... She is special... She is vulnerable. And yet, this morning as the tension in my body dissipates it strains once again. Why? Because she is kind and she holds the door for all…