He doesn’t warn me when he plans to visit.
Like an unwanted dinner party guest he arrives and makes himself comfortable.
In my house. Uninvited. Commanding the room.
And when all the guests have left the dinner party it’s him and me.
And he waits.
He hangs around heavy like a proscenium stage curtain. Cloaking me.
Shrouded in him, I live my day to day life. No one notices because when he arrives, I know what to do. I smile. I nod. I laugh at what I know is funny.
Unseen sickness traps us in the most subtle ways.
“We worship a tormented God,” a friend says to me. And I hear God tell me three things over and over:
“When you see them, see Me.”
“Come and rest here, come and lay your burdens down.”
“I am a God who sees and hears.”
Our God knows what depression feels like. He knows this invisible illness comes out of nowhere. Attempting to suck the very life out of us which He has given to us as a gift.
But He sees me and He hears me. He sends His saints to listen to me, comfort me, and affirm me.
His word holds up to His promises and it is as sweet as honey to my soul.
I pray for strength and then He lifts the curtain. And when I finally look out into the audience, I see an image of myself knowing “when I see them” also means me. And when I see me I see Him. And in what feels like an instant, my worth is restored.
Although I struggle with depression, I never made plans to harm myself. So it never felt relevant to process my depression until my battle with postpartum depression at age 26. If you are struggling at all dear friends, please tell someone. My therapist taught me it’s as simple as saying “I’m not well right now” to a trusted person in my life. And after practicing it, I must admit he’s right.
Whether your depression is mild or severe, please try to get some help. I hope someone finds encouragement from reading this. And if you need immediate help because you’re feeling helpless, call the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.